I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
