I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
