So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
