I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
