he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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