I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
