i need an iv and a liver transplant
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
