i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
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the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
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So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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