just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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