Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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