While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
