Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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