I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize