Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
