Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
In America we eat man semen.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
