the condom got lost in my hair
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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