I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
