I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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