U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
