I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
