So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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