he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
