I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
