i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
