if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
