Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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