you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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