very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
