anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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