I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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