imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
