wrigley field is MILF paradise
I looked at my own cervix.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
