i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
