Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
