real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
