Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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