Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
