My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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