I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
