We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
