I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
