dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
