It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
