the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
