Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
