i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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