Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
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Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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