My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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