I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
