Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
