She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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