Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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