his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
