This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
