Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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