I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
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he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
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I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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