Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
