went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
