I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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