There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
